


so easy an emotion

by marginaliana



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, mid episode 97, soft moss boi has feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:49:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25094155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marginaliana/pseuds/marginaliana
Summary: Jester gives Caduceus some advice about love and anger.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & Jester Lavorre
Comments: 5
Kudos: 68





	so easy an emotion

They had spent the day together, shopping. Jester had delighted in the pleasure of bright colors and soft fabrics; Caduceus had enjoyed the colors, too – a reminder of the beauty of home – but more than that he had enjoyed her happiness. They had all had too little of that recently. They were likely to have little more, for a while. 

When they went back to the Chateau he expected that Jester would find her way to one of the others, Fjord or Beau, perhaps, or Caleb if he looked particularly mournful. Instead, she waited until he sat down at a table and then flopped down beside him. "Caduceus, I'm going to give you some advice," she said. 

Caduceus wondered why she hadn't taken the opportunity while they were out, but he supposed that she had been still thinking about it. It often appeared that Jester spoke before she thought, but that wasn't entirely true. Sometimes thoughts stirred themselves in her mind and only came out once they were finished cooking.

"All right," he said.

"Here is my advice that I learned from the Traveler and also my mother and actually also lots of people and— okay, anyway, here is my advice. It's okay to be mad at someone. Even if you love them."

Caduceus felt himself go still. He swallowed. "Jester—" He hadn't realized she'd paid any attention to how he was feeling. He'd thought her too busy thinking about the Traveler. Which was only right – the Traveler was her god… more or less. And then there were the peace negotiations, which of course were very important. His family was safe and on their way home. Things would be growing again. His friends all knew that he'd accomplished what he'd set out to do. It was time to move on.

"I know you're kind and wise and…" Jester flapped a hand. "Things. But you can get mad, too."

"I don't know if I know how," Caduceus said slowly. He had spent a long time alone, lonely at first, and then sad, and then angry, and then forcing himself to replace all of those feelings with a renewed faith in the Wildmother. These months with the Mighty Nein had not been enough to change that – if anything, they had strengthened his determination to be… Quiet. Deliberate. A voice of peace and a listening ear to those who needed one. "It's been a while since I've been angry."

"You should talk to Beau," said Jester. "She's _really_ good at it."

Caduceus smiled. 

"And you can practice on me, if you want to. People are mad at me all the time – because of the dicks, you know?"

He did know. 

But he had everything he wanted, now. It seemed silly to be angry about anything. Ungrateful. Especially to his family, who had only been doing what they were tasked with. Who had not wanted to stay away. Who had not meant to look at him as if he were still the child they knew, as if his saving them was nearly unbelievable. 

To his friends, too, who had helped him on his quest even when it distracted them from their own. Who had been happy for him when his family survived, who had worked hard to save Aunt Corrin from what could have been her death. Who had not meant to be careless, on the beach – who'd had no time to do anything but defeat the monster and try to survive themselves. Who truly did have many other things on their mind to keep them from worrying about him.

Perhaps he _did_ remember how to be angry. But he did not want it. 

"I'm afraid," he said to Jester – realizing the words were true only as he said them. 

"Of what?"

"That once I start being angry I won't be able to stop." It was so easy an emotion to feel. At home, at least, he'd had quiet enough to focus, had duties and routines to smooth out the wrinkles of his mind and let the emotions flow out into the earth. Here he didn't have anything like that. There was chaos and sound and so many things to do that his thoughts barely ever caught up. If he let anger come, he feared it would settle in his soul like blight, impossible to root out.

"But you have a god that will help you, right?" said Jester. "I mean, I don't really know much about the Wildmother except that you and Fjord do a lot of sitting around and doing the meditating thing which looks kinda like sleeping but isn't. But she's your god. She'll help you."

"I—"

He'd had faith that the Wildmother would guide him to his family, guide him to where he should be. She cared for the Clays, she cared for the Grove. She cared for Fjord, who so very much needed to feel her love.

But, Caduceus realized, he somehow hadn't really believed that she cared for _him_ much beyond his mission. She'd left him alone for so long, after all. And that moment of weakness when he'd given into the urge to ask if his family was waiting for him – it had been so painful to bear the knowledge of his cowardice, his lack of faith. He hadn't wanted to know what she thought of that and so he'd stayed away from any more personal communion. His service to the mission was a comfort, in its way, and he'd clung to that even when the task was done. He'd told himself that it was reward enough.

How funny, Caduceus thought, that he'd been so quick to assure Fjord of Melora's unconditional love when he still felt himself unworthy of it. The realization bore further exploration. What else had he been feeling without knowing it?

The Wildmother would not think him unworthy. Even if he was weak sometimes, even if he got angry. Even if he made mistakes. She loved him. Looking at himself through Jester's eyes made it easy to see how he'd forgotten that.

"Thank you, Jester," he said. "You're really smart."

"I _know_ ," she said, beaming.

"And I'm very angry with you."

"It's because of the dicks, right?"

Caduceus nodded. "Yes."

"I'm sorry, Caduceus, I really am. I was just worried about the Traveler and drawing dicks always makes me feel better."

"Next time I tell you something is sacred and I don't want you to draw dicks on it, will you listen to me?"

Jester hesitated. "I'll try?" she said at last. Caduceus appreciated the honesty. 

"Then I forgive you for this one," he said. Jester threw her arms around him.

"Thanks, Caduceus." She kissed him on the cheek. "Okay, you can go back to being wise now."

He drained his juice. "I think I might go upstairs," he said. "Meditate a little. Decide who I'm angry at." It wouldn't come easily, he knew – some names were already filling themselves in on the list, and they were uncomfortable names to face. But at least he would know himself, after. That would be worth it.

"Sounds fun!" Jester said. She reached into her satchel and pulled out her paints. "I'm going to— is it okay if I draw some dicks in here? I mean, it's my mother's place so I don't know if you really get to stop me, but I'm trying the asking thing."

"Right," Caduceus said, and then, "Go ahead. As many as you like."

"That's probably hundreds," said Jester happily, and Caduceus found himself smiling more sincerely than he had in a long time.


End file.
